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in my zone [May. 19th, 2017♠ |♠04:21 am]
..lost
[Listenin' II |sitting, waiting, wishing--jack johnson]

he's blocked... again!
what could possibly win me over is if he pops up at my job tomorrow with my favorite flower.. or some food. yea, food!! hell he talked to me enough while going get food. if he was really that interested, he would've paid attention.. he'd know my favs. but that won't be happening. he can't possibly be as into me as he's tryna make me think. i want someone to do little things like that. like how i pay attention to everything someone says.. why can't someone be that into me in which they do the same. and suprise the fuck out me when later on they act on something i told them way back.. not even thinking they were paying attention to it. i wish i had a man to do sweet little things for. i haven't had a real relationship since my beginning 20's. now i'll be 30 in 3 months, smh. i hate the fact that i feel like i don't know how to be in a relationship.. how to be a girlfriend. a lot has changed over the years. social media is everything now.. for some. of course it ain't shit to my socially avoidant ass. i wish we could go back to the time before all this began to get popular. i remember blackplanet and aim and yahoo messenger.. highschoolclub.. and some other shit i can't remember the name of..

so there's this busy town cartoon that comes on late at night. everytime i hear the song it makes me wanna tear up.. sometimes i do. i get this feeling that brings me back to my childhood. watching the cartoon, i can not remember ever seeing it a day in my life, BUT the little apple thingy with the name on it looks so familar and the song of course. the song is definetely something i've heard before as a little kid. reminds me of something that may have been playing on the tv early in the morning as i was getting ready for school. the song is amazing. don't know if is truly amazing or in the sense of the nostalgia i get everytime i hear it. if only i could go back and start all over....

that would be good in the sense of me knowing prehand the consequences to certain temptations i'd be faced with. but i had anxiety so bad as a kid. i literally had to drink pepto bismol every morning before school. my stomach would hurt and i'd have gas lol. i didn't know it back then. i didn't come to the realization of what that actually was until i hit nursing school. i hate that weird feeling i had back then. i guess i never was a "people person". it's weird because i had anxiety so bad, yet i actually had friends back then. that should've comforted me you would think. because once i hit highschool (actually 7th grade) everything changed. i had no one. the ones i did associate with weren't my friends. they talked shit behind my back just like everyone else. that's facts. that transition from public to private school and then from private back to public was just the worst. when i got to private school everyone seemed so different. i felt like i just couldn't connect with not even one person. most of them had been in that same school since a little kid and they all knew each other already. then there were the newbies like me, but they were the outgoing/talkative types who would have a handful of friends by the end of the first day lol. i remember each summer praying that i would have a friend that next year. obviously that never happened. then i went back to public school. i saw people that i was cool with and considered to be a friend in elementary and 6th grade. they never even spoke. i was just like "WOW!" they all had their cliques or whatever and didn't seem to want to rekindle anything with me. then came the shit with the rumors. you can say i made a decision that fucked me up for life. yea i fucked up, but the shit they came up with was just far fetched like a muthafucka. looking back, i hate that i didn't defend myself. i could've possibly stopped it from going so far.. but then again, it was just me. me against what seemed like "the world". so of course after the rumors spread like wildfire, them hoes wasn't tryna be my friend. the same ones i used to run around on the playground with were the same ones adding fuel to the fire.


i was in the zone just now. i be tryna put all that shit past me, but it still affects me to this day. one of these days i'm really gonna say fuck it and relocate. get THEE fuck. i would love to do another country, but that's not gonna happen unless my mom agrees to move with me. oh well. it's crazy because we don't know what the future holds. i sometimes look back in hindsight.. i think about how events play out and we never see them coming. 4 years ago i met this guy. we had sex once. it was amazing. the next year i had my first kid. the year after that he moved down here and we became "close". we lived together for about 6 months. the next year i found out i was pregnant with his kid. now this year i'm sitting here with this beautiful ass baby for a guy i never thought i would have a kid for. for a guy i was falling for, but he left and never came back. that's after he found out i was keeping my baby. ihate that i still miss him so much. suddenly he's been back on my mind. had 2 dreams with him in them yesterday. and i NEVER remember my dreams these days. smh.. i don't know the future, but i do wonder.. will he ever come back?
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