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MUSIC is LIFE.. [Feb. 21st, 2017♠ |♠05:39 am]
..and that's real talk. when i think about the fact that i will one day be deceased, i fear the separation of my favorite music. one of my favorite things to do in life is listen to good music. it really depends on my mood. i like rap and hip hop.. and some bounce, but old school r&b, soul, and soft rock has my heart. there is nothing like the feeling i get when i listen to EWF's "Devotion" or "Love's Holiday" when this certain part comes up, "cuz i never felt, felt this way in my heart oh before, ohhhh love...." that whole line and especially when he gets to the "ohhhh love"... just beautiful. absolutely beautiful in every way. i often find myself replaying that line over and over.. man! good music makes life worth it. my favorite pandora station is L.T.D. they play all the good stuff when i have that station on. i'm gonna one day try EWF and Teddy P, and Marvin Gaye. i bet they have good stuff as well.

well, i lost one of my patients over the weekend. i was off, but the last day i worked, i noticed she was off.. like REAL off. intervened as much as i could and sent her to the er. they sent her back. then the next day, she died. she been saying she wanted to die. sucks man. she was agg at times, but i'm really gonna miss her. there's this one pt i have. he's in his 90's. i really love this man. it's like he's family. while i was out on leave i would think about him, hoping he didn't leave while i wasn't there. he's so amazing. idk what it is that has me so attached, but it's something. i have to feed him every evening. i go in his room and pray over him.. especially on those bad days. even shed tears at times. i have a seat and talk with him longer than anyone.. knowing my time is limited. even with the dementia and the fact that he won't remember the conversations we have. hell, the fact that he can't differentiate me from any other nurse. all that doesn't matter. he's my favorite person there. and it's gonna be a very sad day for me when his time is up. sometimes when i'm talking to him i just wanna hug him tight, give him a kiss on the cheek, and tell him how much i love him. it's inappropriate, but i can't help how i feel. i don't want it to be too late, ya kno.. i don't want to regret not expressing how i feel. ....maybe it's me missing my own grandfather. he left us 6 years ago. i would go see him every sunday. i remember when he was moving and me and my nephew went to clean his house for him. and the last time he went to the hospital. they admitted him. my uncle said he hadn't eaten in a few days. we ended up finding out he was septic. he died a few days later. i was in nursing school at the time. and was upset because no one told us about the changes that had been occurring. i felt that if i knew things were changing, i could've intervened in some way. i felt that if i could've had him go to the er sooner, they could've had him on some iv therapy and cleared all that up.. and he could've been here.. still. he was at my highschool graduation. he could've seen me graduate from nursing school.. and meet my kids.. sucks. he would've been making 92 this year. same age as someone else..

i didn't get a lunch break last night. it was just so much going on. i didn't get off until 1:30 am. and now that i think about it, i didn't eat anything yesterday. just some peppermints and cough drops.. oh and 2 donuts. i'm about to fry some chicken wings.. just to throw something in my stomach. i really need to get it together.
i'll be listening to some good music in the mean time.
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